How to Take Up More Space on a Date
How to Find Your Partner in Crime
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It was just after the first of the year and my then-boyfriend and I were riding the Subway into Brooklyn from Manhattan. We were going to Dumbo so I could find a Brooklyn sweatshirt to celebrate my 1 year anniversary in NYC. We also planned to walk around and get lunch.
I met him outside his office in Flatiron and we took the R train across the water. While on our ride, holding onto the pole trying to maintain balance amidst the weekend subway crowd, he asked me “So, what are you up to this week?”
He was my first more serious boyfriend since my last, awful breakup and so I vowed with him that I would do my best to take opposite actions than I had in the past. I’d be more communicative, open, honest, and actually let him in. I really and truly wanted a different experience in my relationships with men this time.
Historically, I’ve been awful at receiving attention from anyone — men, women, friends, even my own therapist. Sometimes we sit in a lot of silence. Holding the sensation in my body of someone paying exquisite attention to me is a lot. Sometimes, I even go a little unconscious it feels so vulnerable.
It’s this dance I have with myself…deeply wanting to be seen and loved for who I am while also being terrified someone might actually see me and pay me close attention.
Anyway, old me would have answered my new boyfriend’s question “What are you up to this week?” like, “I don’t know, not much. What are you up to?” and completely deflect the question and try to put all the attention back on him. Which ultimately, was always a test.
Will this person take the bait and use the opportunity to talk about themselves?
Did they actually mean it when they asked? Do they really care about my answer?
Or, will they notice what I just did and say “Hey! You didn’t answer the question, I want to know, what are you up to this week?”
If they did correct me, I felt chosen, seen, and loved. If they took the bait they were selfish and now I could add another resentment to my list against them.
That was how a lot of my relationships played out in nutshell. Expecting men to ‘come and get me’ and ‘prove they loved me’.
It was exhausting and awful. Ultimately they were just dating all my insecurities.
This time, post awful heartbreak and huge, deep process of self excavation I decided to do something radically different and simply answer my new boyfriend’s question directly and open for the attention he wanted to give me.
I answered him and said, “Thanks for asking, I have lots of exciting things going on this week actually — I have a workshop tomorrow night, I’m waiting to hear back if one of my articles got accepted into a big publication, I have my first call with a new coach and a prospective client call.”
“Wow,” he said, lots of exciting things. I started to tell him more in depth and actually let him into these vulnerable parts of my life. We ended up having a really connected afternoon together.
A few days later, he made sure to check in how my event went, did I book the new client, asking what I learned from my new coach. It was lovely to have this dialogue and be sharing these parts of my life with him. In reflection, it was all so simple.
Why had I never just done this before?
Start To Notice
Pay more attention… when someone asks you a question, do you pause, open your heart and body to let the communication in before responding? Or do you tighten and throw all the sensation back on the other person? We can do this by either changing the subject and asking about them (deflecting), or by giving a quick remark like “Oh, this coat? It was only $20!” and skip over the actual vulnerability of being seen and noticed altogether.
When someone asks you “How’s your day going?” do you have a default response or do you have the ability to really check in with yourself and say, “You know it’s been a week this is how I’m really feeling…”
Receiving can feel really vulnerable especially if we’re not used to it. Maybe if we’re always the giver and doing for others. That’s ultimately not where intimacy lies though, there’s an exchange that needs to happen. Start to bring more awareness into your life, it will be helpful if you struggle to connect more deeply with others.
Resist Asking All The Questions
I was on a Zoom call with a man yesterday, someone I’d been emailing with but never met. Jumping on the video call was a bit awkward, there was a lot of sensation connecting for the first time, getting to know each other, and the work we’re both doing in the world. It felt so tempting to throw all the attention on him — to interview him about his life and work because of how much sensation and electricity we were sitting in.
I slowed down. I took a deep breath and allowed myself to notice and actually feel all the intimacy being exchanged between us so that I could fully take it all in. There were buzzing sensations pulsing up and down my arms and my chest felt fluttery. I continued to breathe through it and whenever I finished talking, I’d pause to add more space into the dialogue to prevent any constriction from happening in my body.
Normally, I’d just ask all the questions and talk on top of the intimacy that was wanting to be felt. I’d take myself out of the experience and turn conversations into interviews instead of letting someone else give me attention. Whenever I did this, I robbed them of the experience of getting to actually know and feel me and genuinely hear about my truth or desires. I wasn’t actually making myself available for connection, it was all very one-sided.
Resist asking all the questions. Resist doing all the talking. See if you can put attention your body and feel into what the other person may be feeling as well. What cadence and pace does the conversation want to be moving at? Are you just spewing lots of words or are you actually dropping into what’s true and wants to be expressed? See if you can feel for the deeper thread.
Believe That Others Want To Be Connected To You
We really and truly just want to feel each other. I recently caught a clip of Gary Vaynerchuk explaining his thoughts on social media addiction. He said something along the lines of “We’re not hooked on social media, we’re hooked on being connected to each other.”
When I started writing more seriously and sharing my story I was shocked to learn that people liked to read my writing. They liked my stories, they liked hearing my lessons and wisdom. The biggest feedback I got was “more!”. It blew my mind I never considered myself interesting or wise. One of my coaches Jen Glantz said to me in a session once, “We all have incredible stories, most people just never tell them”. I think about that all the time.
Want to know what’s really keeping you from finding love? In my 60 min masterclass How to Find Your Partner in Crime, I’ll walk you through the pitfalls that keep women just like you from experiencing lasting love. AND I’ll show you how to shift your perspective so you can stop repeating sabotaging patterns. Claim your spot HERE to join me live.